But what do I know?

Why are we all so goddamn scared of having feelings for someone? And why, do we automatically fall into this sense of doom about it all?

I, myself, have been uttering words of late, like “It’s too soon” “I’m scared to be hurt” but F**K it! I’ve had my heart broken and I soldiered on through, of course at times it was horrific - picture me, red wine bottle in hand, jumping on my bed & crying to Creed & yes that happened. I honestly thought I would never feel loved again, that I would never have a connection like that, and it is all complete bull twaddle. Not only did I grow as a person, but I found people that were interested in me and I realised what I want and need from a relationship. I became strong enough to attend social functions as a single person, and not feel as though I was a third wheel and I became my own person again, my old sassy self, happy in her own skin, just now a little older and wiser (that is until a bottle of bubbly comes out)

However my issue is, although all the above sucked, and don’t get me wrong anyone who was to be around me those first few months can vouch for how much it well & truly was a shitty time (probably should have bought shares in Kleenex because I can tell you now, I’m sure I kept them in business) but without allowing myself a leap of faith so to speak, I would never have had those four & a half years, of love, arguments, laughter, fights, just general life experience. I would never have, what are now some of my happiest memories, I wouldn’t have met people, who are now some of my nearest and dearest and it’s those thoughts alone, that have me thinking how stupid I am being right now.

For an embarrassing two years I’ve hid behind this whole “not ready” bullshit, and as I reflect, I’ve passed on people who, not only are genuinely amazing, but actually cared for me. I’ve played down feelings for people, even to convince myself as well as others, as all I could picture was heart ache, and it’s right about now I’m repeatedly hitting my head against a wall. Like, seriously, I’m a moron. It might have worked, it might not have, but I would have walked away knowing that firstly, I was true to myself and that I gave it a shot. I would have grown, I may have discovered things I may and may not like, and there would have been new experiences. All examples of what I 100% believe life should be about. Ah but no, you see, I’m far too scared for that…. Seriously, someone slap me.

But really people, is it really that bad? Or do we make it worse in our head, originally to protect our hearts while we recover & mend, and then it becomes our safety blanket to hide behind? For me I think I can honestly say, yes and I’m embarrassed about that.

So I’ll cheers to my new found wisdom & stay tuned, it may be time to take down that wall.